I DOx3 DESERT EDITION

 

Statement prepared and read by Hazel Nuss, Independent Legal Counsel and Unbiased, Incorruptible Witness to the Newlyweds

In the heart of the arid Desert, where ancient secrets whisper with the wind, an extraordinary… union  unfolds. (we can say union, the word is legally accurate.)

Kunto, Letizia, and Olimpia have you come together? — by your own choice? — agreeing on a mutually beneficial pact that will, with some luck, not end in blood, scandal, or spontaneous duels?  (Letizia might still consider them a bonus and say ''no'')

In this  celebration of chaos, passion, and unbreakable bonds, today these three defy convention, pledging their lives together once again amidst swirling sands and mysterious coffee beans rites.

This triad vows not only —" (Hazel pauses dramatically, then furtively spells out the word 'love' in sign language, glancing sideways to make sure Letizia isn’t watching) "— but also survival in a world as unpredictable as the desert itself."

No roses, no promises, no weepy speeches — instead, a real contract written by me. One with clauses, fine print, and penalties. Because in this wild alliance, sure, trust is nice… but a legally binding document? That’s the real sentence.

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CEREMONY, DESERT STYLE

1. Part One – The Arrival:

Guests will be welcomed not with flowers, but with SPF 50, water guns, and bottled water. Anyone who complains about the heat will be publicly mocked and possibly assigned a desert-related nickname.

2. Part Two – The Ritual:

Vows are strictly forbidden. Words like “love,” “darling,” or “sweetheart” are banned. Instead, each party must share a brief, humiliating anecdote about the other. Bonus points if it involves blood, swearing, or both.

3. Part Three – The Feast:

No cake, no sweets. Instead, a desert-themed menu awaits — think roasted insects (crickets or grasshoppers, anyone?), sticky dates, camel milk, and whatever else fits the theme.

4. No one is allowed to cry.

Should tears betray you, immediate punishment is a dramatic reenactment of the infamous Desert Temple snake incident (details provided upon request).

5. Mysterious disappearances:

If a guest vanishes into the desert, wait at least 24 hours before raiding their backpack. Theft of camels is strictly prohibited at all times.

6. Sand is inevitable.

Sand in awkward places is to be accepted with grace. Complaints will be ignored.

7. Dancing on ruins:

Highly encouraged, but only at your own risk. Structural integrity of ancient ruins is not guaranteed

8. The Bouquet Launch – Cactus Edition:  
Instead of the usual bouquet, brides will launch a carefully selected desert thistle (yes, it has spikes). Guests are advised to wear gloves and eye protection.  
Whoever catches it will be blessed with  two weeks of confusing omens, and a mysterious rash.  
No medical liability will be accepted.

 

The newlyweds gratefully thank all guests — both the invited and the fearless infiltrators who defied the heat, the snakes, and the total absence of shade.  

Your bravery warms their hearts... and makes them seriously question your sanity.

✦ DESERT WEDDING FEAST ✦  

Curated for the Bold. Not for the Faint of Appetite.

STARTERS  

• Scarab Crostini  

  Crunchy beetles atop grilled flatbread, with a drizzle of black pepper & lime zest.  

• Cricket Ceviche  

  Lightly cured crickets in citrus juice, red onions, and a whisper of fire.  

• Mealworm Hummus  

  Served with cactus chips.

MAIN COURSES  

• Toasted Scorpion Eggs  

  The desert's finest protein bombs wrapped in flaky charm.  

• Silk Worm Tagine  

  Slow-cooked with dates, almonds, and a hint of cinnamon—chef’s kiss (optional).  

• Locust Lasagna  

  Layered bravely with wild herbs, goat cheese, and fearless ambition.

SIDES  

• Fried Grasshopper Bites  

  With spicy aioli and a warning label.  

• Charred Cactus & Ant Dust Salad  

  Refreshing. Zesty. Possibly still moving.

DESSERT  

• Dried dates rolled in fire ants.  

• Caramelized Cricket Crunch Bars

Music? Handled. 

By ''Los Mariachis Que Siempre Llegan ''

Olimpia has never booked a band in her life. She doesn’t need to.  

For reasons no one fully understands, a mariachi band has been following her for years.  

No one knows where they come from, what they’re called, or who hired them in the first place.

But when the wind shifts and the moment calls for music... they appear.

Out of the dunes, from behind a cactus, once even from under a buffet table.  

Oversized sombreros. Golden trumpets. Broken hearts in every chord.

She knows one thing for sure: she’ll never have to pay.  

They always show up.  

They always play.

And for the desert wedding? Oh, they'll be there. Probably before anyone else.

List of songs:

- "Bésame Menos (Tengo Aliento de Chapulín)"  

- "Cielito Loco"  

- "La Cucaracha Está en Mi Taco"  

- "Volver, Volver… Pero Nunca Pagar"  

- "Amor en la Arena (Con Picaduras)"  

- "Ay, Mi Habanero!"  

- "Tequila y Vergüenza"  

- "Serenata Para la que Me Mordió el Alma"  

- "No Era Tú, Era el Wi-Fi"  

- "Dame un Beso o un Emparedado"

- "Llora, Llama y Luego Lava los Platos"