Statement prepared and read by Hazel Nuss, Independent Legal Counsel and Unbiased, Incorruptible Witness to the Newlyweds
In the heart of the arid
Desert, where ancient secrets whisper with the wind, an extraordinary… union
unfolds. (we can say union, the word is legally accurate.)
Kunto, Letizia, and
Olimpia have you come together? — by your own choice? — agreeing on a mutually beneficial
pact that will, with some luck, not end in blood, scandal, or spontaneous
duels? (Letizia might still consider them a bonus and say ''no'')
In this celebration of
chaos, passion, and unbreakable bonds, today these three defy convention, pledging
their lives together once again amidst swirling sands and mysterious coffee beans rites.
This triad vows not only —" (Hazel pauses dramatically, then furtively spells out the word 'love' in sign language, glancing sideways to make sure Letizia isn’t watching) "— but also survival in a world as unpredictable as the desert itself."
No roses, no promises, no weepy speeches — instead, a real contract written by me. One with clauses, fine print, and penalties. Because in this wild alliance, sure, trust is nice… but a legally binding document? That’s the real sentence.
CEREMONY, DESERT STYLE
1. Part
One – The Arrival:
Guests will be welcomed not with flowers, but with SPF 50, water guns, and
bottled water. Anyone who complains about the heat will be publicly mocked and
possibly assigned a desert-related nickname.
2. Part
Two – The Ritual:
Vows are strictly forbidden. Words like “love,” “darling,” or “sweetheart” are
banned. Instead, each party must share a brief, humiliating anecdote about the
other. Bonus points if it involves blood, swearing, or both.
3. Part
Three – The Feast:
No cake, no sweets. Instead, a desert-themed menu awaits — think roasted
insects (crickets or grasshoppers, anyone?), sticky dates, camel milk, and
whatever else fits the theme.
4. No
one is allowed to cry.
Should tears betray you, immediate punishment is a dramatic reenactment of the
infamous Desert Temple snake incident (details provided upon request).
5.
Mysterious disappearances:
If a guest vanishes into the desert, wait at least 24 hours before raiding
their backpack. Theft of camels is strictly prohibited at all times.
6. Sand
is inevitable.
Sand in awkward places is to be accepted with grace. Complaints will be
ignored.
7.
Dancing on ruins:
Highly encouraged, but only at your own risk. Structural
integrity of ancient ruins is not guaranteed
8. The Bouquet Launch – Cactus Edition:
Instead of the usual bouquet, brides will launch a carefully selected desert thistle (yes, it has spikes). Guests are advised to wear gloves and eye protection.
Whoever catches it will be blessed with two weeks of confusing omens, and a mysterious rash.
No medical liability will be accepted.
The newlyweds gratefully thank all guests — both the invited and the fearless infiltrators who defied the heat, the snakes, and the total absence of shade.
Your bravery warms their hearts... and makes them seriously question your sanity.
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