The Official Groupie Application – v2.1 Julian Breeze - REJECTED

 The Official Groupie Application – v2.1 

Curated by Kunto. For Quality Control Purposes Only.

 

Name: Julian Breeze 

Nickname: “The Gentleman Nomad” 

Email: cleansteps@checkmate.org 

Height: 181 cm 

Weight: 78 kg 

Energy Level: 

☑ Moderate (but claims he's “unstoppable after 6 AM jogs and samba warm-ups”)

 

Haircut: 

☑ Crisp and calculated (like his chess strategy) 

 

Who is your hairdresser? 

☐ Mum 

☐ Dog groomer 

☐ Edward Scissorhands 

☐ Famous Stylist 

☑ Cheap Stylist who gives post-shampoo affirmations 

 

Personal Hygiene – How often do you wash? 

☐ Only at Christmas 

☐ When I go to the beach 

☐ 1 to 3 times per week 

☑ 1 to 3 times per day (and brags about it like it’s a superpower) 

 

Favorite Games (choose all that apply): 

☐ Poponopoli 

☐ Twister 

☐ Hide and Seek 

☐ Ring-around-the-rosy 

☑ Card Games (Poker)

☑ Chess (says it’s “foreplay for the mind”) 

☐ Bowling 

 

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Humor Evaluation (Mandatory): 

Q: Tell us a joke. 

"I prefer irony over jokes. For example, applying to be a groupie when I read Tolstoy on tour buses. That’s hilarious, right?"

 

 

Final Assessment: 

❌ REJECTED ( – Too Balanced to Be Trusted) 

Kunto’s Note:

- Too emotionally available. 

- Offers travel snacks. 

- Might meditate...to have sex. 

- Zero threat level, but strangely unsettling.

- Plays cards (Poker face level: dangerous)