VOWS OF SHAME - How to Start a Fire (or a Museum Scandal)

So, I heard what Kunto said.  Very brave of him.

Now, allow me to return the favor.

So, since we're sharing secrets tonight…Kunto, the great mastermind, invites me to a campfire in the wild. Stars, crickets, the whole postcard.

Only… he forgets one tiny detail: fire.

But Kunto, in his infinite confidence, just puffs out his chest like some budget Tarzan and goes:

“Don’t worry, Leti’. I’ve got this.”

And then he starts rubbing sticks together. Yes, this man decides he’s going to invent fire from scratch. Twenty minutes of grunting, sweating, muttering motivational quotes to the sticks. “Come on, feel the friction!” like he was flirting with them.

And you know what? Miraculously, he gets a spark.

His face lights up like he’s just split the atom. He actually yells, “Did you see that? I made fire!”

But then the spark hits some leaves, and suddenly it’s apocalypse now. Flames everywhere. He panics, grabs the nearest bottle to put it out.

Was it water? No.

It was vodka.

So instead of killing the fire, he upgraded it.

We've been charged with arson. Luckily, Hazel knows how to talk legal.

And now to Olimpia. Sweet, untouchable, cryptic Olimpia.  

(Pause for dramatic effect. She turns to her.)  

“You looked so smug when Kunto told his little car story. Let me balance the scales.”

“One day, we’re at the Musei Vaticani. High art. Sacred silence.  

Olimpia walks up to this Roman sculpture, gorgeous, 2000 years old and goes: ‘Wow… this guy looks just like my ex. Poor thing. Even his ding-dong’

Then and I swear on my eyeliner she taps the statue’s little ding-dong.  

A nearby tourist frowns, clutching the guidebook. Then 

 

The ALARM goes off.

Red lights flash. A siren wails like a banshee.  

Guards sprint toward us like it’s Cops: Vatican Edition.

And Olimpia? Already halfway down the hall, pretending to be French.

These two are my kind of weirdo

(Then, looking straight at Kunto:)  

“We’ll talk later. In the mud.”