HAZEL, attorney-at-law for Mr. Kunto Balle
Before the International Court of Sentimental Affairs (Division of Temporary Deaths)
"Honourable judges, my client, Mr. Kunto Balle, was never truly dead...
technically speaking.
He was merely engaged in a covert operation that required his temporary removal from all official records of existence.
Therefore, the death certificate must be deemed null and void, as should the dissolution of his marriages to Ms. Olimpia and Ms. Letizia.
According to Article 42-bis of the Popomundian Affection Code, Section 7, ‘temporary vital suspension shall not constitute sufficient grounds for bond dissolution if the individual returns within 999 days of the presumed departure.’
I therefore petition this Court to immediately reinstate both marriages, retroactively, and to grant my client the right to a welcome-back kiss and a quick espresso, as provided under the Popomundian Marital Protocol in cases of unexpected resurrection.”
Witnesses for the defence:
Grand Master of the Cult of the Mismatched Sock, who can attest to Mr. Balle’s noble service in retrieving the sacred laundry item from enemy hands.
Retired Spy-Barista, who will confirm that Mr. Balle was, in fact, perfecting espresso extraction techniques critical to international peace.
The Eternal Order of the Spilled Coffee Chalice’s Chief Archivist, who has documented Mr. Balle’s survival against all odds in caffeine-related conflicts.
"In conclusion, your Honours, my client has suffered enough — from both near-death experiences and truly terrible instant coffee. Justice, and love, demand his swift reinstatement.”
[Scene: The Supreme Court of Popomundo — Case #KB-002: Balle v. Bureau of Marital Technicalities]
The jury files back into the courtroom. Hazel, in a perfectly tailored suit, sits at the defense table beside Kunto, who is nervously sipping an espresso from a thermos labeled “Exhibit C.”
BAILIFF
“All rise for the Honorable Judge Vivaldi Pancake.”
Everyone stands. Judge Pancake, wearing judicial robes and a slightly crooked powdered wig, takes their seat.
JUDGE PANCAKE
“Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict?”
JURY FOREPERSON (clears throat)
“Yes, Your Honor. In the matter of whether Mr. Kunto Balle may retroactively reinstate his marriages to Olimpia and Letizia without formal proposals… we find, unanimously… No.”
Gasps from the gallery. Hazel stands immediately.
HAZEL (protesting)
“Your Honor, this is outrageous! My client has risked life and limb, battled breakfast cultists, and survived mafia ‘Nduja hits to get here. Surely—”
JUDGE PANCAKE (interrupting)
“Counselor, while the court admires Mr. Balle’s… colorful… survival record, the law is the law. Death, even temporary, dissolves all marriages in this jurisdiction. He must propose again. Twice.”
Kunto sighs, looks at Hazel, then at Olimpia and Letizia, who are smirking in the front row.
JUDGE PANCAKE (striking gavel)
“Case closed. Court adjourned. And Mr. Balle—good luck. You’ll need it.”
The courtroom erupts into murmurs as Hazel mutters under her breath...
HAZEL
“Well, guess you better start ring shopping again, lover boy.”
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